


Five of Cups

by minium



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Gen, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-03 18:31:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20457548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minium/pseuds/minium
Summary: It was up to him— to rise, to chase endlessly after that retreating sun.





	Five of Cups

**Author's Note:**

  * For [catsinouterspace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsinouterspace/gifts).

Straight through clenched teeth, coming in shallow, fast— _hissing_, breath rustled in time with the thrumming of a rabbiting pulse.

Impossible things stained his view and he just couldn’t comprehend what _was_.

None of this was _right_.

Everything shined so <del>tauntingly</del> brightly and he shielded his eyes.

“What is it that you desire, child?”

_Oh_, all the things he asked for. _Oh_, all the things he received.

This isn’t what he had wanted.

How did things— how did everything— _end up this way_.

Not this. Not this. Not _this_.

Crackling richly, flushing his face with warmth, Naruto stared into the fire. For guidance, for answers, he could see nothing. But still, he stared into the flames. He couldn’t conceive of anything else.

Resting along his side, Kakashi leaned against the same tree, nose stuffed into a familiar book.

He didn’t turn. He didn’t look. Far be it, for his eyes to be deceived.

Failure, failure, _failure_ again. He tasted it; wallowed in it; wretchedness held the line of his shoulders. The absolute hopelessness of it all descended upon him mercilessly. Held in thrall, he still couldn’t look away.

Restless energy called to him— let go, let go, _let’s go_. To move. To— _do something, anything._ Desperation pulled at him. His fingers curled into tighter fists, clutching into firm dirt. More more _more_— he couldn’t handle more of this. He remained miles away from where he _needed_. _Why._ Naruto clenched his teeth. Still and silent, into the fire, he searched for answers.

It was up to him— to rise, to chase endlessly after that retreating sun. The flames spoke; he saw himself running, running, _always fucking running_ after a back that never stopped, never turned.

Somedays. Somedays, he just wanted to— scream, hide— _leave_. That this wasn’t hopeless, that this wasn’t a mistake, how was he—

Naruto turned his head. Kakashi put down his book.

Unfolding, slumping his shoulders, feeling their weight fully, he released a long breath; he— _uncoiled_. Kakashi simply waited.

When he broke his silence, his voice wasn’t loud; he wasn’t even sure Kakashi had heard him speak until he saw a single nod of understanding.

“You’re not pulling any punches today, huh?”

_Everything was always taken from you. How did you— how did you live with yourself— after?_

A beat, in which anxiety thrummed an insistent march under skin, like nails pressing in, but never— _too deeply_— just enough, enough to _hurt_, enough to _stay_. Another, and another, until— he was numb. _Oh_, he was numb.

“It was… it was hard. The first time, I thought many times— _why not follow?_ And I won’t pretend to not have considered— but doing so wouldn’t have helped anyone, least of all me.”

Kakashi glanced at him. Naruto wasn’t sure what it was that his teacher was trying to convey. What was he— He shuffled closer, and Kakashi continued on.

“So I lived my life. It was… lonely, but I— actually, I didn’t truly live until someone showed me, taught me how. I was,” a sigh, “lost in my own self-pity. I couldn’t see anything outside of myself. But there was one person who would always— _try_— to reach me.”

A pause, where Kakashi’s gaze grew distant. Naruto waited until his teacher returned from the heavens, back to him— Kakashi eventually _came back_ to him.

“I didn’t understand until it was too late. But I did… _understand_, eventually.”

A sombre silence where they both shared a stare before shifting to glance out upon the stars.

“How do I— Why don’t I—” Naruto paused there, prematurely silencing himself. _Try. _The complicated knot in his stomach tightened further. _He didn’t know what he wanted._

“You will. I have every faith in you.”

Kakashi didn’t say anything further. Naruto wanted to scream into the gaping silence. He didn’t. He didn’t. He always— _believe in me, believe in me, believe in the me who won’t believe in myself._

It was Kakashi.

But it wasn’t Kakashi.

In front of him, stood Kakashi. Yet. The expressions that painted his face, the way he held himself, the impatient, almost arrogant disposition— _it was all unfamiliar_.

It was Kakashi.

But it wasn’t Kakashi.

He knew Kakashi.

Yet he didn’t know _this_ Kakashi.

<del>Who even was this?</del>

Through leaden lids, he blinked open red-rimmed eyes. Greeting his awakening was a sight entirely too familiar. Sunlight rained down through the incomplete cover of the trees above. Sakura looked up from where she was concentrating, tucking back a stray lock of hair. Concern shined in her expression.

And. _Why._

Naruto swallowed down the knot in his throat— he was choking, choking, _why couldn’t anybody see_— looking away. He knew what she was going to say. Naruto didn’t need any more recriminations. He knew. He _knew_. What he was chasing after was impossible. Those bright days would never be returned to him.

Sakura bit her lip before looking at him, resolute. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Naruto.”

_Ah._ _But, won’t I?_

And he didn’t say a thing.

_You and I both know—_

For how could he, admit the truth— what he had been hiding from himself all along.

He watched her in mute disbelief; home-sickness bled through restless veins. Wondering. Wondering. _Who even was this?_

“You quit being a ninja?” Still, he had to confirm, take in the reality with his own ears— teach the truth to his traitorous heart.

Sakura regarded him with slight suspicion, but still, she answered, “Being a ninja is simply too dangerous. And besides, my parents were getting too old to take care of our store by themselves. So, it just seemed like the right thing to do. But—” she frowned, confusion tingeing her expression, “—why am I explaining myself to you? I don’t even _know_ you.”

She was right. He didn’t know _her_.

Naruto slowly backed away; her curious eyes tracked the movement. <del>Sakura’s</del> gaze— it was _unbearable_.

She reached out a hand.

No. No. _Not a ninja._ Not. Not _her_.

He made a run for it. He couldn’t, couldn’t, _couldn’t stand_ this mockery anymore.

Sasuke smiled at him, so easily, so carefree, and all Naruto could do—

“Hey, Naruto.” So easily, so readily, the other called his name. As if, as if, as if _it didn’t mean a thing_. Through the parched struggling of his throat, he couldn’t muster a thing. Gaping, wordlessly, silently, he took in the lack of lines on that familiar <del>unfamiliar</del> face. Not touched by anything, everything, _that smile_.

_Who?_

What was there for him to say? That radiant expression sealed all his doors. Everything he was afraid of admitting, it bubbled underneath and he— pushed it down.

_“Sasuke.”_

Searching for answers in those dark depths was a fruitless endeavour, yet still, every time, he couldn’t help, help but _try_. All he could do was— try.

Come back with me. _Come back to me._

Come. Come. Come. Tell me. Tell me honestly. _Why did you leave?_

_ <del>Leave me?</del> _

What is it— about this that had him so stuck, so tangled up? It covered him, head-to-toe, twining, tighter, always further _lost_ and he was— drowning into the sea, watching the nearing sun sink to meet him. But still, they remained apart. They both sank, but neither could reach the other.

Reach for me_. Please. _

_Hold out your hand._

And these are not the people Naruto knows.

And this is not a place he belongs.

Under the looming moon above, he gazed into it, gasping, struggling, squeezing together tightly clasped hands, brows drawing together, lips trembling. His heart beat one final, furious march. _This was it._ One final wish, one hope, all else was silenced. _This was all he had._

_Give me._

_Give me—_

And blinking open his eyes, he just _knew_. Nothing had changed.

Please.

_Please._

Naruto crumpled, posture slumping forward, head meeting shaking hands. Into a pit of his own making, he freefalled.

What exactly?

_Was he supposed to do now?_

“I gave it all to you.

“Everything you asked for.”

But why did it cost this, this, _this_?

_Why couldn’t you have taken anything other than _them_._

Naruto was alone.

Alone.

_Alone. _

Naruto remained— separate, apart— alone.

People in the streets smiled his way, called his name, went out of their way to greet him. Ghosts he thought long-dead walked the streets, no evidence that they’d ever left at all. And the people, the two figures missing from his life, the ones he’d always yearned for, greeted his homecomings.

Help was offered in all directions. But still, he felt alone.

This is what he had asked for.

But this isn’t what he had wanted.

If he had known the price, he would have thought twice, turned away, went on his way.

And he wouldn’t— _wouldn’t_ be _here_.

Stuck by himself; where everyone knew his name, but no one knew _him_.

Accomplishments gone. Friendships starkly different. A world unfamiliar with a history unknown. Who even was he? Who even were they? Was this even Konoha?

All he had was lost.

“What is it that you desire, child?”

At the sudden break in the silence, Naruto sharply turned his head.

Facing opportunity, his mind ran through a frenzied rendition of what— he could have it all— could have it all _back_.

And so,

_Naruto made a wish._

And, and, and—

everything washed away;

a new world beckoned.

**Author's Note:**

> [Five of Cups: Writing Process & Thoughts](https://www.pillowfort.social/minium/tagged/Five%20of%20Cups)


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